Cape Crusaders - Adventures in Cape Town

A Glossary for South African Driving/Drivers

Bicycles
You may see these now and again, only slightly less likely to see than an Osterich playing a guitar, only problematic if you have to stop and pick the cyclist up and explain your erratic driving – probably best to ignore them altogether and only remove the tangled bicycle parts from the undercarriage of your vehicle when you get home.

Carpet
When your dashboard has deteriorated so much it’s cracking and revealing the central foam core cover it in this material to restore the showroom finish. See: Fur Fabric

Drivers Licence
An optional extra. See: Vehicle Insurance

Exhaust Pipes
Cars generally come with these when they are new and help to silence engine noise as well as helping the combustion process. If your vehicles has one, you can improve the performance by shortening it or by removing it altogether*. Your car will also begin to sound like a Ferrari* or Porsche* and people will think you’re actually driving one*, albeit in disguise.
* Highly Unlikely

Fur Fabric
When your dashboard has deteriorated so much it’s cracking and revealing the central foam core cover it in this material to restore the showroom finish. See: Carpet

Green Traffic Lights (Robots)
On Change, fumble around with the controls of the vehicle, take in the view or simply chat to others in the vehicle – don’t worry, by now you’ve made adequate progress across the road during the red light phase to take your time and be guaranteed to reach the other side before the lights change back to red.

Hard shoulder
A highly innovative segment of carriageway which provides space for pedestrians and other vehicles pulling in to allow other to overtake.

Hazard Lights
Travelling at normal speeds and fancy a change? Turn on your hazards, you can then do absolutely any style of road manoeuvre and be forgiven.

Indicators
Generally these amber lights on the corners and sides of your vehicle are used to inform other drivers of your intended change of direction. However in South Africa these devices aren’t used and are essentially redundant vehicle accessories. You could sell them, but for a deal ‘Bobby Dazzler’ effect, you can modify the wiring of your lights to take advantage of the indicator’s flashing relay to make all the lights on your vehicle flash.

Iron Oxide
The primary structural component on the vast majority of vehicles on south African roads

Lapping
I know it’s a 1.4 and you’re trying to impress your ‘lady’, but it’s not big and it could probably only be considered a contender for being clever if you could actually use traffic lights and roundabouts properly. See, Red Traffic Lights, Green Traffic Lights and Round-A-Bouts

Mags
Known also as alloys, these vehicle adornments generally look dapper, but only if their value is a fraction of the value of the car itself and they’re not so big that your tyres actually mark the wheel arches when you roll over man hole covers.

Number Plates
An optional accessory. See: Seatbelts

Overtaking
A method of passing a slower travelling vehicle behind which you find yourself. Any lane can be used for this regardless of direction of travel. To communicate your intention to overtake to the driver ahead you should, flash your lights, wave, make a fist and travel as close as possible to the vehicle in front, this also helps with the slingshot effect of being in the other vehicles slip stream.

Passenger Count
This is simply the number of people within your vehicle. When space is limited such as in a hatchback to sedan, this number can be increased by having your children standing up. Also children sitting the dashboard can help when no seats are available.

Pavements
Mostly used by pedestrians, but if you find yourself struggling for a parking space, just pop the whole vehicle up on the pavement.

Piston Rings
Part of an engine that would generally be considered as having a finite lifespan. This is simply not the case here, blue smoke indicates your vehicles piston rings are at their optimum size and you find you go through quite a bit of oil.

Red Traffic Lights (Robots)
When approaching – accelerate and continue to pass until opposing traffic prevents this, then edge forwards slowly until the lights change to green, paying no attention to the stop line – it’s simply road decoration

Resin Filler
The second most common structural components of South Africa vehicles. See: Iron Oxide

Roadworthy Certificate
An unimportant piece of paper which certifies your vehicle is fit to be driven on the roads. Either obtain a photocopy or simply don’t bother.

Round-A-Bouts (Turning Circle)
A new invention, you may not have used before – don’t worry they’re simple. Select any lane approaching the round about and leave in any direction – it’s perfectly normal and in fact common to be in the left hand lane turning right.

Running
A method of getting from one side of the road to another, considered a highly dangerous but frighteningly common national sport and of particular importance around highways.

Seatbelts
An optional accessory. See: Number Plates

Shock Absorbers
The are the parts of the car that stop your wheels bouncing up and down erratically – and no it doesn’t make you a better driver if your shocks are shot.

Tyre Tread Depth
A measure of how close to formula 1 slicks your car’s tyres are. The greater the measure the slower your car will go. Some people believe that slick tyres are dangerous and replace their tyres before they reach slick stage. You can take advantage of these people by purchasing their so called ‘dangerously worn out tyres’ and fit them to your own vehicle without having to wear the tread off yourself.

Vehicle Insurance
An optional Extra. See: Drivers Licence

White
A shit colour for a car.

Window tinting and Mirroring
A method of obscuring the view into the vehicle from the outside, generally reserved for limos and presidential vehicles. No it actually doesn’t look so smart on your Toyota Tazz, particularly when you consider the number of bubbles in your home done effort.

New year was a mixed bag, starting well and ending pretty miserably..

Starting with the sun going down looking over Cape Town.

Then some fireworks down at the Waterfront at midnight, all 4 minutes of them.

And then the fun really started...

We've had to endure 2 weeks of night market on Adderly street directly below out apartment which hs involved lot's of load PA, music and packing up stalls until 2am.. But this took the biscuit - a marching band parade locally known as the Coon Carnival (I kid you not) was running from midnight right outside. Besides the thing being inexplicably loud, which was bad enough, the same troops marched back and forth all night playing the same talentless bit of music. At 5am after no sleep whatsoever I went outside and swore at someone in a uniform and learnt that it would be going on till 6am - by which time the sun was coming up. Awesome.

Safe to say, news years day was tiring..